


Drowning Alone, Living Together

by GrimSylphie



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimSylphie/pseuds/GrimSylphie
Summary: Five years into the exile Nicky receives a call that changes everything.A story of Booker’s struggles and Nicky and Joe finally coming to an understanding of what they mean to Booker and what he means to them after more than 200 years.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 285





	Drowning Alone, Living Together

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write OT3 but I also wanted to write Booker whump so I put them together and this is what I got. 
> 
> I think in an OT3 situation where the events of canon still happened I think most of their problems stem from Booker’s feeling that he isn’t adequate or equal as well as a lack of communication.
> 
> Don’t know where my brain came up with this but it’s out now.

It starts with a phone call. Nicky and Joe are alone in Malta preparing a late dinner at the time. It’s an unknown number but the whole team has a policy of answering calls regardless when separated in case someone needed to pick up a new burner. This unfamiliar number has a French country code and when Nicky picks up he hears the sound of retching and what seems to be the violent sound of something solid hitting against wood repeatedly. Nicky isn’t sure what to make of it. He’s about to hang up with the assumption that it was a mistake when he hears an aborted cry that sounds far too much like Booker’s for his comfort.

It’s been five years since he last saw Booker and while Nicky initially pushed for the extended exile, his anger had waned as he and Joe returned to normalcy and the nightmares they faced in that lab had started to fade amongst thousands of other tortured deaths. All that remained was the betrayal and the feeling of complete failure that their Sebastien felt he couldn’t rely on them. 

The fear of failing again is what spurred Nicky to speak. “Booker? Is that you?” He asked in somewhat dated French for Booker’s benefit should the man be on the other end of the line. Joe perked up from the kitchen where he had been making dinner and came in to check, surprised that Booker might have called.

Nicky hears more heaving and some muffled cursing along with the repeated banging. “Sebastien, are you there?” He repeats.

More muffled curses but the banging stops and he hears a voice. “Nicky? I’m sorry to bother you... I...” Nicky can tell Booker’s trying to hold something down when the retching returns. There is no sounds of vomit hitting porcelain so Nicky assumes Booker must be running on empty. “I didn’t mean to call. I know I have a while left.”

Booker sounded so pained and mournful that Nicky felt his heart breaking and his concern rising. “Think nothing of it, what’s wrong? Do you need help?” 

A loud crash of glass and more heaving that even Joe could hear despite the phone not being on speaker came through the line prompting Nicky to wince. Finally Booker’s voice returned. “No, no Nicky, I’m fine I just...” the sound of a stifled cry and some quick breaths before more retching. “I’m just having a rough night, I’ll be good in the morning.” Booker explained before hanging up without another word.

Nicky pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it confused and concerned about the conversation that had just taken place. He looked up to Joe to gauge how much he had heard. “It sounds like we need to start looking at flights.” Joe offered, unprompted.

“He sounded the worst I’ve heard. I don’t know what the cause is but I’d would prefer to check on him rather than leave him to suffer in silence.” Nicky replied

Joe winced at the thought. Booker was a mess after the death of his wife and again after the deaths of each child. The youngest was the worst though. Booker spent two months in a depressive haze, getting black out drunk, overdosing on whatever drugs he could find, killing himself when given the means, and starving himself when denied. It took the whole team watching him constantly, trying to comfort him however they could, until one day the darkness didn’t have such a hold on him. Joe wasn’t sure how this could be worse than that but he didn’t want to find out. 

They moved in tandem, Joe finishing up dinner while Nicky sat at the kitchen table booking flights to France. They didn’t want to go through Copley because it would mean notifying Andy and Nile. If this truly was nothing it would be better not to have the whole team overreact and embarrass Booker. 

In a selfish part of their hearts they wanted to be the ones to help Booker, alone. Below the betrayal and fear was love. They had discussed it. They both felt something akin to romantic love for the younger immortal. They had once hoped to see if he would fit in their hearts the way Andy had once been bonded with Quynh and Lykon long ago. They never had the opportunity to pursue it though. Each time they flirted Booker would brush them off as if they were joking. They knew Booker was interested in both men and women but it seemed Booker wasn’t interested in them. So they buried their feelings in one another and pursued only a brotherhood with their fellow immortal. 

They managed to find a reasonably priced charter flight (as much as any charter was reasonably priced for two immortals) which had the benefit of leaving late tonight and getting them into Paris in the wee hours of the morning. It also meant less security which was always a bonus in the modern age. 

After dinner they packed their go bags and closed up the house. Their hope was that they would return soon, perhaps even with Booker in tow. Still, there were no guarantees so it was better for them to play it safe. 

The ride to the airport and the plane ride was filled with hushed conversations in a combination of ancient Maghreb Arabic and Genoan that had become their own. 

By the time they stepped off the plane and called for a ride share it was four in the morning. They would reach Booker’s rundown apartment a little before five. When the ride share driver dropped them off at the dingy apartment with a look they said nothing, filing out to survey the scene and check for traps. It wasn’t that they expected Booker to willingly betray them again, though there was a small unspoken fear buried deep within them that he might. It was mostly precaution that someone may have laid a trap using Booker as the bait.

After a quick survey of the scene they continued in, up the rotting wooden stairs to the door they knew belonged to Booker. They didn’t want to alert anyone to their presence in case it was a trap so they used the spare key that Booker had given them long ago to enter quietly, or as quietly as one could when the door hinges were in need of care. 

They searched through the home weapons at the ready in case this was a trap but discovered nothing of the sort. All they found for their trouble was Booker, unconscious, his breathing shallow on the bathroom floor. He was not in good shape. His hair was greasy, tangled, and lackluster. His eyes sunken in, his waist, narrower than was healthy for a man of his height. This shirt covered in that Joe and Nicky could only assume was a combination of vomit, blood, alcohol, and sweat. The floor wasn’t much better.

There were several empty bottles in the room. Booker’s preferred brands of wine and whiskey on the labels but based on the pungent smell of alcohol coming from the sink he had either accidentally dropped them down it or dumped them. It was far to many bottles to seem like a happy accident. The toilet and trash can weren’t much better, both filled with too much blood and stomach contents to be healthy. There was no way to know for sure what happened here until Booker woke up but the state of the Frenchman left much to be done. 

Nicky found a clean washcloth tucked out of the way and began to clean Booker off as best he could while Joe worked on cleaning up the mess that was left in the bathroom. 

Once they had both completed their duties Booker looked much better. In this case though. Looks didn’t account for much based on the beading sweat and soft whine that came from Booker’s lips. Joe placed a hand on Booker’s forehead only to pull back immediately. “He’s far too hot to be safe, we should get him in a cold bath.” Nicky nodded and turned on the bath as cold as possible before turning back to Joe and Booker. They worked together to remove Booker’s stained and filthy clothes. Once the task was done and the bath full they hefted the taller immortal up and laid him in the tub. There was an unconscious sigh of relief from Booker as his body now had help in fighting the fever that controlled him. The water however was instantly dirty with sweat and flecks of dirt and blood Nicky hadn’t been able to clean off with only a rag. They washed Booker again and Joe tried to run a comb through his hair. It was too knotted and had Nicky concerned they might need to cut it. Still, it could wait, Joe took it upon himself to shampoo and conditioner the rat’s nest it had become so at least it wasn’t so greasy. 

After fifteen minutes they had cooled him somewhat. Joe grabbed a threadbare towel (the only one he could find clean) and wrapped it around the younger immortal as Nicky lifted him out. 

Nicky passed the now bundled Booker to Joe and they headed towards his bedroom. It looked surprisingly clean compared to the bathroom. The bed was unmade (not a surprise) but the sheets were clean. There were books stacked around the room in near piles and surprising lack of booze. 

Joe placed Booker in the bed and bundled him in the sheets before removing the wet towel. Nicky had pulled a chair in from the kitchen and sat down with an exhausted slump. Joe stayed in place at the edge of the bed and leaned against the headboard. “Nicoló, what do we do now?” Joe asked, his normally confident voice filled with just a hint of fear that broke Nicky’s heart.

“Yusuf, my love, I’m not sure. We won’t know what caused this until he revives but the apartment seems to be free of alcohol. Perhaps it is a good sign?” Nicky replied. He wasn’t truly confident of that. In the two centuries he had known Booker the man was never too far from the substance he used as a crutch. 

“Did you check the kitchen? Is it bare?” Joe asked changing the subject as he ran his fingers through Booker’s tangled hair, trying to remove the few knots he could with his hands. To Nicky it looked like a lost cause.

“Empty. I will use that delivery service Nile found last time we visited to get supplies. I’d prefer to pick the food out ourselves but I don’t think either of us can bear to leave him right now.” 

Joe nodded and continued to thread his fingers through Booker’s hair. Nicky selected a book and began reading aloud to pass the time.

They remained like that for a few hours until Booker finally began to stir. Joe stopped his ministrations so as not to startle him. Joe has worked through a handful of the knots in that time but Booker’s hair overall was still a mess. Nicky continued to read, his voice steady, until Booker’s eyes fluttered open.

It wasn’t the calm sleep of someone well rested. It was a sudden startle if someone under duress. Booker panicked, reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there. Nicky shut the book he had been reading while Joe wrapped his arms around Booker to hold him steady. “Sebastien! Sebastien! It’s just us. It’s Nicky and Joe.” Nicky called as Joe tried to avoid being scratched.

Between Joe’s embrace and Nicky’s soft yet stern voice Booker quickly stopped struggling but fear was still clear in his eyes as he tried to collect himself. “What are you guys doing here?” The confused Frenchman asked, his throat dry and raspy. His breath horrid from losing all the food he had eaten. 

Nicky got up and headed to the kitchen to grab Booker a water while Joe explained. “Nicky got a call from you last night. You sounded awful. We couldn’t leave you like that.”

Nicky returned with water and passed it to Booker, encouraging Booker to drink the whole glass before continuing. “I... I don’t remember calling.” He admitted embarrassed and ashamed that he couldn’t stop himself from talking. “I shouldn’t have. It’s still too soon, you didn’t have to come.” 

Joe ran his hand down Booker’s spine, taking note at how the other man tensed as he went lower. Joe then focused on rubbing his upper back. He didn’t want to upset Booker. “Of course we came. You’re family and we were worried for you.” 

Booker started heaving but fortunately managed to keep the water down. “Thank you. I’m okay. I’ll be fine. You guys can go home.” 

Nicky pulled Booker’s face into his hands and cupped his cheeks. “We will stay Sebastien. You gave us a fright and we would like to make sure you fully recover before we even consider leaving. Besides, we missed you.” Nicky was careful not to tell Booker that he wasn’t fine. He knew saying that usually led Booker to closing in on himself. 

“You don’t have to do that.” Booker objected.

Joe chimed in this time. “We don’t have to, of course, but we want to.” He pulled Booker in for a hug. Booker managed to keep from flinching this time. “Would you like to talk about it?” Joe asked.

Booker pulled away and went running, barely making it to the bathroom before he started heaving up the water he just drank and whatever little stomach acids was left after last night. 

Nicky reached him first and started rubbing his back. Joe stood in the doorway arms crossed. They shared a look. This was beyond Booker’s normal fits of depression and overindulgence in alcohol. He was either legitimately ill (an unlikely scenario given their immortality) or he was worked up into such a state of anxiety and panic that his body was rebelling against him. 

With little in his system, Booker’s heaving didn’t last long. Nicky wordlessly guided Booker back to bed while Joe wiped down the bathroom and disposed of the evidence. He followed the other immortals a moment later with a trash can so Booker wouldn’t need to get up again. 

“I understand if the source of your problems is not something you want to discuss with us. We haven’t been here for you recently and before that it seems we did not understand the depth of your desperation. Still, if nothing else we would like to help you heal from this.” Nicky pleaded once he tucked Booker back into bed.

Joe followed suit. “Book, whatever caused this isn’t normal. Unless it’s some new disease that affects us, you need help. If you want it from us we’ll call Andy and Nile or even Quynh but we don’t care what you’ve faced we want to get you well again.” 

Booker closes in on himself. He curls into a tight ball and lets out a heartwrenching sob as Nicky and Joe stand over him. He never wanted them to see him like this. Sure they always teased him with offers to enter their bed but they didn’t know how much he wanted to give in and say yes. He didn’t want the only two men he could have seen himself loving to see how weak he really was. 

Joe and Nicky both wrapped their arms around him. Joe managed to wedge himself between Booker and the headboard holding Booker from behind while Nicky wrapped his arms around Booker’s front. He managed to settle Booker’s head against his neck until his own head rested on top of Booker’s. Something inside Booker broke. The walls he had been trying to keep up fell and his sobbing became louder as he unwound his arms from himself to cling to Nicky, feeling the warmth of Joe behind his back. The two men held him, neither speaking until Booker’s loud sobs quieted down into hiccups as he struggled to catch his breath. “I just want to sleep.” Booker admitted his voice raw. “I just want to be able to sleep.” 

They held Booker close. “Why can’t you sleep Book? What ails you?” Joe asks. They had learned recently that Quynh haunted Booker’s dreams for years but she was free now. They would have thought Booker was finally getting some good sleep after so many years without it. 

Booker shook his head trying to bury it further into Nicky’s neck. “I don’t know how to dream of anything but drowning. After 200 years it’s all I know. And now I can’t even drink to numb the pain.” 

Nicky’s eyes widened slightly, though anyone other that Joe might not have noticed. Booker had always soothed his pains with alcohol. Andy did too. For a long time it was one of the few ways they knew. Nile had taught them a lot about therapy and modern medicine but they hadn’t had the chance to share it with Booker. Still, if alcohol wasn’t working that explained the empty bottles. Before either of them could ask for further explanation Booker was spilling his heart once more. “It just turns to ash in my mouth. I just, after two hundred years I suddenly feel powerless whenever I drink it. I can’t even keep it down but I crave it. I feel sick without it but I can’t. I... ever since that night I’m just so afraid. I just want it to stop.” 

Joe and Nicky shared a look. Neither of them knew what Booker was talking about. It worried them that something hurt Booker and neither of them knew what. Still, this was something they might be able to help with. Nile had trouble sleeping those first few months and would take sleeping pills from time to time. They knew what they looked like and could pick up a few for Booker while they figured out what happened to him.

“Book, Booker, Sebastien, it’s all right. It will be okay.” Joe comforted, tracing his hands along Booker’s spine. “Let’s get you some rest. I can pop over to the pharmacy and grab you something to help you sleep. They make things for that now. Nile said they helped her, she didn’t have dreams when she used them.” Joe kissed Booker’s temple and stood up, leaving Nicky holding the Frenchman in his arms.

Nicky continued to hold an emotionally and physically exhausted Booker in silence until Joe returned. There was some concern that Booker might not be able to keep the pills down, but fortunately he didn’t seem to have much of a struggle. They laid Booker down between them, keeping him sandwiched so he knew he was safe and protected. “You guys didn’t ask what happened.” Booker commented, his voice heavy with sleep as the medicine kicked in.

“Non, Sebastien. You’re in pain and exhausted. If you want to tell us in the morning we absolutely want to hear, we want to help you. For now though, you need rest.” Nicky offered, wrapping an arm around Booker’s right side while Joe embraces Booker from the left. 

“We will guard you in your sleep Sebastien. Get some rest.” Joe offered, urging Booker’s heavy eyes to close. 

When Booker reopened his eyes it was around dawn. He wasn’t sure when Joe and Nicky arrived, he only knew from the light streaming through the blinds that it had been daylight out. That meant he had slept through the night and then some. He started to tear up. It was the first night of uninterrupted sleep he had that hadn’t come from the bottom of the bottle that he could recall. His mind raced as he could think clearly for the first time in forever. What would his life be like if he could sleep without fear and wake well rested. 

He felt Joe stir beside him before returning to sleep and he took a deep breath. He had momentarily forgot the two men he had a crush on most of his immortal life had sandwiched him between them. After he betrayed them just five short years earlier. And he broke down in front of them. Booker started to hyperventilate. He would have to tell them. He’s have to admit what happened. They would hate him. How could someone they trained be so blind.

“You’re thinking too much Sebastien.” Nicky offered, his voice heavy with sleep. 

“Sorry.” Booker replied. Embarrassed.

“Don’t apologize, I simply mean you do not have to think so hard so early. You are safe here. Everything else can come later.” Nicky explained. “How did you sleep.”

Booker found himself tearing up again. Nicky sat up and leaned over Booker. He wiped some tears away. “It’s. I forgot what it was like to sleep soundly without waking up hungover.” Booker admitted.

Nicky looked sad for a moment but leaned down to kiss Booker’s forehead instead. “I’m sorry Sebastien. We did not understand the depth of your suffering. We didn’t know how to do better. We failed you.” 

Booker found himself blushing despite himself and closed his eyes before shaking his head. “You were good to me. You all cared and I was too selfish to see past my own shit.” 

Apparently their conversation had finally woken Joe up. “Well, we were too absorbed in ourselves as well. We should have communicated better. We assumed you knew things because you never asked and that was wrong of us. Nile has shown us our shortcomings. She made it very clear we did you a disservice. Perhaps if we had done better we could have ended up here under better circumstances.” Joe added, his voice still heavy with sleep. 

Booker blushed at the thought of having them in bed with him. He knew Joe meant it as a joke but he still couldn’t help but wish it was true. “You tried. I just... I’m not always receptive of help. Especially not when I’m...” depressed went without saying.

“Let us all resolve to do better in the future.” Nicky resolves with a chaste kiss on Booker’s cheek. “Now, do you think you will be able hold food down. I believe Joe put away the groceries we ordered to be delivered, so we should be able to get something more substantial in your stomach.” 

Booker tried to evaluate himself. His mouth tasted like garbage but his stomach seemed eager for food. “Yes, I think perhaps I want to freshen up first. My mouth currently tastes like Andy’s cooking.” That was to say, awful. Joe’s laughter rung in his ears, the sweetest sound he had heard in the past five years.

“You definitely need to freshen up in that case. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone.” Joe offered standing up and then holding his arms out to help Booker and Nicky out of bed.

With that settled Booker went to clean off. He couldn’t recall quite how he left the bathroom but it certainly wasn’t like this. He wasn’t sure if Joe or Nicky had gotten up while he slept or something to clean it but it was immaculate. He was almost embarrassed they saw how much of a mess he left it when they found him given how clean they had made it. He tried to shower and brush quickly because a small part of him was afraid they would realize he wasn’t worth it and leave. His hair was entirely knots however, no matter how he tried to detangle it there was a bit of resistance. He wasn’t sure how much time it took before he finally got it to a presentable state but a comforting pesto pasta Nicky had made one thousand times before along side Joe’s zaalouk were waiting for him. The two flavor profiles probably weren’t traditionally placed together but for Booker it tasted like home. 

The meal was amicable. They avoided topics like what led to Booker’s exile and missions and instead spoke about mundane things like the changes to various cities they preferred and new hobbies they picked up. Booker had cut down on his drinking after Quynh visited him a few years ago. Up until recently he had only used help him sleep and avoid the echoes of her deaths. He had started doing his PhD in Computer Science in the hope he could get a teaching job or at least learn a few tricks. Joe was taking a break from his restoration work so Nicky could teach religious philosophy at universities here and there.

It wasn’t until they were finished and tea was poured that Nicky brought up their reason for being here. “Booker, while I am pleased to see you sober, you scared us. I know it is not your fault but if you want to talk about it we are here to listen.” 

Joe followed suit, reaching his hand to Booker’s and rubbing his thumb along the junction between Booker’s thumb and pointer finger. “You don’t have to tell us but we failed to listen to your needs before and we want to help if we can. Even if it’s not something we can fix directly talking about it might help.” 

Booker held his breath. They had already seen him weak. He didn’t want them to think less of him. It was his mistake and he shouldn’t have brought him into it. If they could help though... He didn’t want to be along anymore. He wanted to trust them.

“Sebastien, breathe.” Nicky warned cutting through Booker’s panic.

“I... I... I made a mistake.” Booker admitted looking down at his lap, feeling smaller than ever. “I was out at a bar, I go there sometimes so I don’t feel so pathetic drinking alone.” Joe gripped his hand tighter, urging him on. “I wasn’t paying attention to my drink. After all, we aren’t affected by drugs the same way and why would someone target me?” Booker admitted. “I was foolish. I assumed just because I’m undesirable that I was safe.”

Nicky walked around and put his arm on Booker’s shoulder, gripping it to comfort him. “You are stunning Booker, and so intelligent, but that is beside the point. It can happen to anyone and we aren’t generally at risk.”

Booker blushed. “You’re too kind Nicky.” He looked back down. “I guess he didn’t get the reaction he was expecting.” Booker admitted. “I wouldn’t have even realized he dosed me if he hadn’t mentioned it later. He dosed me again at the end of the night after most everyone left. Poured in way, way too much apparently.” Booker took a sip of his tea to forget the taste of the wine he had been drinking that night.

Booker took a deep breath, tears threatening to fall. He looked down so he wouldn’t have to see Nicky and Joe’s reaction. “I wasn’t... I died. He decided to just rob me and dump me out back instead. It was the fucking bartender. I woke up before anything happened and I just, I panicked. I snapped his neck.” The first few tears started to fall and he couldn’t stop himself from a second breakdown. “It wasn’t a mission, I didn’t have to kill him.”

“No, no, Sebastien.” Nicky urged settling his free hand on Booker’s chin and tilting it up. When Booker looked through the tears in his eyes he was surprised. Joe looked as pissed as Booker had ever seen him and Nicky seemed almost feral with rage. “Who knows how many people he had attacked. You may have saved someone.”

Booker looked down again. Joe walked around the table and pulled Booker in for a hug. “He wanted to hurt you, and you protected yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. It was self defense.” 

Booker nodded not fully believing what he was hearing. “Besides, if you didn’t kill him we would have.” Nicky promised. He joined Booker and Joe in their hug. 

“I... you would do that. Even after everything? I mean it’s not like he could even kill me.” Booker asked, somewhat surprised. He had nearly led them to a future that only held torment and to hear they would save him from a single attack. 

“Of course, Sebastien. This was not a simple attack on a mission or the battlefield. This was an attack on your personal freedoms. Even if you stopped the physical attack he still attempted to violate you. That’s not okay. I think you know that too.” Nicky offered. It made sense that so much emotional and physical trauma would be the reason for Booker’s distress. This wasn’t something they faced on missions. It was a personal violation. 

“We shouldn’t have left you. We should have protected you.” Joe offered holding Booker close.

Booker broke down further. He was overwhelmed at the kindness and understanding that Nicky and Joe had offered him after he betrayed them. “I... I... I’m sorry, I just. I never meant to hurt you. I just I was so alone and I knew I could never have what the two of you had.” 

Nicky tilted Booker’s head up and wiped away his tears. “Nonsense. It is forgiven. We discussed this. We should have communicated better.”

Joe nodded. “Of course. Besides, you could always have us if you want us. And if not, you’re still young. You’ll find someone. It took Andy millenia before she met Quynh and even longer before Nile joined them.”

Booker frowned, his tears finally stopping. “Don’t tease me Joe. Not like this. I can’t take it.”

Nicky kisses Booker’s forehead. “We aren’t teasing. If you want us. You may have us. It’s as simple as that but.. you’ve been through a lot these past few days. Maybe we can take it slow.”

Booker looked up and Nicky and then across at Joe. This felt like a dream. He had wanted it for so long and now at one of his lowest moments he had it and he struggled to believe it wasn’t just some cruel joke. “Really?” 

“Really, really.” Nicky replied. This time kissing Booker on the lips before stepping back so Joe could do the same.

**Author's Note:**

> The start of a happy ending. I think they have a long road to working things out.


End file.
